The news that a million teenage girls have been waiting to hear for years finally broke yesterday: Kim Kardashian is engaged! Yayyyyy! You go girl! Strike up the band, and alert US Weekly, there’s a wedding to plan!
And the news that Kardashian is getting set to marry Kris Humphries made it all the more interesting. After all, it’s not often a lousy NBA journeyman has the opportunity to marry into the closest thing to American royalty that we have.
But as I started talking to friends about things yesterday, started discussing it Twitter, I realized something: This is a literal case of two worlds colliding. Kim’s fans know next to nothing about Kris. And sports fans who know Kris (which is hardly all of them, by the way), don’t know much about Kim.
Thankfully, I’m here.
As you can tell by looking at this fancy site, I know my sports. At least I claim to. After all, I wasn’t named the 3,275th Most Influential Sports Blogger by People en Español for nothing folks!
However, what you might not also know about me is that I’m a bit of a Kardashian connoisseur. I started watching their reality TV show “Keeping Up With The Kardashians,” when Kim was dating Reggie Bush, and have stuck with it since. Through the highs and lows, tears and heartaches, not to mention about 36,000 Kris Jenner hissy fits too.
Why I have I stayed around for so long? I don’t know. But there really is something about this family that keeps you coming back every single week. Sure you might dabble on a Sunday night with friends and think it’s no big deal. You can stop watching any time you want, right? Next thing you know, you look up and it’s six months later, you own four DVD box sets, and just bought Kim's latest perfume. And you’re a dude, you don’t even wear perfume! That’s the effect these people have.
So with that said, I don’t think there’s a better person to break down America’s new power couple than me. I know sports (at least well enough to know Humphries, which is saying something). And I know reality TV. If only because I have no life.
Here it is, “The Idiot’s Guide To The Kardashian-Humphries Engagement.”
Let’s start with something simple, and start where I think most of you sports fans would want me to.
Who Is Kim Kardashian?: Well honestly, explaining who Kim Kardashian is, is a lot like trying to explain to someone what absolute zero is. It’s damn near impossible.
Kim is one of those people who is famous for simply being famous. She can’t sing. She can’t dance. She can’t play the oboe or violin. She doesn’t play a sport. Really, she’s only famous because of a sex tape she made with singer Ray J a few years ago, a tape that she strategically released just to, in fact make herself famous! As the old Guiness commercials say, “Brilliant!!!”
Since then, she’s been able to maintain that level of fame, by simply refusing to leave the spotlight. Again, she has no discernible skills, yet shows up in more random places than Waldo.
And incredibly, it’s worked. Forbes estimated that she made $35 million last year alone. All because of a sex tape which honestly, wasn’t all that good to begin with (Not that I’ve watched. I swear!).
I bet she didn’t learn that kind of marketing in college.
Now for you ladies…
Who Is Kris Humphries?: Much like his new fiancée, it’s impossible to quantify exactly who Humphries is.
He gets paid to play basketball, although anyone who has ever actually seen him play would hardly call him “a professional,” or what he does, “actual basketball.” He’s employed by the New Jersey Nets, an organization that is affiliated with the NBA, but has no traits of an actual NBA team. I once even wrote an entire article about how depressing it is to attend a Nets game in person.
(In my defense, I didn’t want to go to the game, but did get the tickets that day for free. Of course that doesn’t excuse me for driving myself down to New Jersey and paying for parking.
In other words, shame on me)
Alright, Enough of The Mushy Stuff. Make Fun of the Ring Kris Bought?: What, you mean the 20.5 karat, $2 million ring that would’ve made the cast of Blood Diamond shriek in horror? That one? The ring he spent nearly two-thirds of his $3.2 million annual salary on, despite the fact that a lockout is coming in a few weeks that will officially make him unemployed? You mean the ring he bought for a woman who has a sex tape on the Internet, and who he will likely never be able to introduce to his family members with a straight face? You’re talking about that ring, right?
Well unfortunately, I can’t make fun of the guy.
Why? What’s Wrong With You? Only A Sucker Would Spend That Much Money On A Ring!: Maybe.
Except here’s the thing: While everyone’s calling Humphries a sucker for splurging on the ring, you know what I’m calling him? A smart, long-term investor. No different than someone who spends $50,000 a year on an Ivy League education, buying this ring isn’t about now. It’s about the future.
Because honestly, how much money he makes playing basketball is kind of irrelevant. For all intents and purposes, his life will never be about basketball again. He will always and forever be known as Mr. Kim Kardashian, which might make a lot of prideful men cringe, but apparently not Mr. Kardashian. I mean Humphries. I mean... You know what, never mind.
Nope, from now on, Kris is just part of the Kardashian brand, another cog in their well-oiled conglomerate. Humphries doesn’t have to worry about his jump shot anymore. Especially when he’s going to make way more off of reality TV shows, fragrances, and whatever else he can get his attach his name to with Kim. The guy played reality TV lottery and just came up with the winning ticket.
To best explain what I’m talking about, let’s look at our old pal Lamar Odom.
Look, I like “Lam-Lam,” as much as the next random dude does. But there’s no way he would ever get his own reality TV if it weren’t for his Kardashian wife. Well, unless Snickers started their own TV channel. Otherwise he’d be out of luck.
But by marrying a Kardashian? The guy is now an international celebrity. He has his own reality TV show, his own fragrance, you name it. Before he was Lamar Odom the basketball player. Now he’s Lamar Odom the basketball player, who is also recognizable to every girl between the ages of 13-19 in America.
That's an important distinction, and you know why? Well, guess what most girls between the ages of 13-19 in this country have? That's right, daddy’s credit card. And you know what they’re buying with daddy’s credit card? Whatever the hell the next thing is that's coming off the Kardashian assembly line. Bobble head dolls. Adult diapers. Whatever. That family basically prints their own money, and Lamar Odom cashed in. To use an old Chris Rock joke, Lamar Odom was rich before he met Khloe Kardashian. Now he’s wealthy. Big difference.
And don’t forget this: Khloe isn’t even one-tenth the superstar Kim is. She’s the Bill Cartwright to Kim’s Michael Jordan.
Let me put it to you a different way. I don’t know if Kris is in love. But he might very well be the smartest man in the room.
(Because of length, this is just PART of the article on Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries. To read the remainder, including thoughts on the please click here or visit www.aarontorres-sports.com
Also, be sure to follow Aaron on Twitter)
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